Buckyhoo announces bid for President of the United States

By Jayson Blair - Charlottesville, VA (April 1, 2007)

 

Surrounded by a dozen well wishers and approximately two hundred hecklers, Buckyhoo stood on the steps of the Rotunda at the University of Virginia and announced his intentions to seek the 2008 Republican presidential nomination. “Our country needs a strong leader to fight the culture war at home, the terrorists abroad and I need an opportunity to practice all the soft skills I learned in the MBA program. I can think of no better starting point than the American presidency.”

 

Buckyhoo plans to run on a platform of strong deterrence against domestic terrorism and efficient use of American force abroad. He advocates what he calls the “What Would Jack Bauer Do?” approach to dealing with enemy combatants and wants a quick withdrawal of American soldiers from Iraq – but to immediately redeploy them to Iran to topple the regime of Iranian president Mahoud Ahmadinejad. His economic plan calls for the streamline of America’s income and corporate tax policies – starting with the repeal of the recently enacted FIN 48. Buckyhoo’s campaign spokesman Mary Mapes claims that its repeal will “have the dual effects of saving American companies from mountains of paperwork and preventing generations of Kenan-Flagler students in the taxes in finance class from having to do that stupid Apache assignment.” 

 

Political observers say it is unclear what impact Buckyhoo’s announcement will have on the Republican presidential field. But opposition to his campaign has already begun to mobilize. Present at the announcement this morning was political activist S.R. Sidarth, who taped the speech on his video camera and plans to do the same at various Buckyhoo campaign appearances throughout the country. He plans to use the footage for an upcoming opposition documentary titled “Bucky Who?” Mary Smith, the Franklin Koury Moorehead Professor of ethical strategic entrepreneurial management communications at Kenan-Flagler Business School voiced doubt about Buckhoo’s political odds. “Does he realize that he’s not old enough to be President? I guess it never occurred to him to read the Constitution first before launching a campaign, that to him would be as unexpected as him actually doing the reading before showing up for my class.”