Since today is February 14, I will blog about something timely. So I won’t brag about how I managed to once again beat, or cheat depending on your perspective, the system by parking my car an entire day at the business school illegally without getting a ticket. Nor will I tell you about how I went straight from class to the gym, changed into my workout clothes and jogged by the Old Campus to Franklin Street and back, all while wearing my shorts in this 60 degree weather.
I used to hate Valentine’s Day. With few exceptions, this day always forced me to confront my biggest fear, the fear of loneliness. I used to worry that the worst fate that could befall me was a lifetime of singleness. I have had this fear for as long as I can remember. As I got older, this fear did not get any better. At some point between college and business school, it actually got worse as a couple of unsuccessful relationships (or endeavors at forming one) have resulted in a certain level of bitterness and anger instilled in my heart. This animosity was not aimed so much at a particular person or groups of people, but more at the world in general.
About two years ago something happened to me that I, to this day, am still unable to explain except to credit it to some sort of divine intervention. Without disclosing the details, there was something that happened to me that particularly made me bitter and angry. I remember on that Sunday we did communion in church. When it was over the guy sitting next to me (an acquaintance I was familiar with through the church fellowship group) shook my hand and said “peace of Christ to you.” I then replied by saying “God knows I am going to need it.”
During that time there was a group of people my age from church that met every Wednesday evening for prayer. I have always wanted to go but was never motivated to make the one hour commute. On this particular week I went. There were about eight or nine of us altogether. We spent the hour going around the room and randomly praying for what was in our heart. When itwas my turn I didn’t say anything that applied to my particular situation, I remember praising God for getting the opportunity to finally attend the prayer group and for getting me through the nasty traffic. This was followed immediately by John, who echoed my sentiments and praised God for my presence. Sarah was immediately after him. She also began with a praise for me being there and then she went on to say “I want to pray for (my first name) and his relationships. I pray for his marriage. I want him to know that if you intend for him to be married, you will reveal that person to him at the appropriate time.”
What happened that night was the most miraculous thing that has ever happened to me as a Christian. I clearly felt God was telling me to trust Him with my relationships. After we were done praying, I had the chance to talk to Sarah. She said she felt stupid for saying what she said and could not explain why she said it. Another person that was there, whom I met for the first time that night, said he too was surprised by what she said and was worried that I would get freaked out by her prayer. That night was a turning point in the way I view God’s role in my marriage.
This past Sunday I went through my notes on some of the thoughts I have had since coming to Kenan-Flagler. I am amazed at how many references there are to idolatry and the importance of having God’s will prevail in your life. There was a time when I used to pray for God to find me a wife. At one point I even told him the specific qualities I wanted. Now when I pray about this matter, I only ask for His will to prevail. I ask that if He wants me to remain single my whole life, He would change my heart so I would be okay with it. And if he wants me to marry someone, I would meet her and find her attractive, regardless of whether she fits my “type.” I am much more at peace with the situation now than I have ever been.
The more people that I talk to, the more I am convinced that I am not the only one who struggles with this issue. This may be why “Sex and the City” was/is such a popular show. The four characters are in their forties and the storyline conveys the impression that being single in your forties is not the end of the world. This past Friday I attended a Kenan-Flagler alumni reception and ran into someone I know from before I moved here. I first met Ricky (not his real name) three years ago in church and he has since moved down to this area. We updated one another on our lives. Ricky is about ten years older than I am and single. I asked him if he’s had any recent success with women, which is a topic I normally don’t bring up when I talk to guys. He said no and when he asked me the same question, I told him about some of the things that God’s been telling me about my situation.
We ended up having dinner where I expounded more on the things we were talking about. I later told him over email that I enjoyed our talk because it was unusual for me to talk about relationship issues with a male Christian. He wrote back saying some of the things I said were almost the exact things he’s felt/done at various stages of his life and he considered it a blessing to hear that there were others with similar struggles. We are going to try to meet up every once in a while to discuss our lives.
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