For a while now, I had sensed that we were about to reached a turning point in my endeavor to get into Darden. A week ago yesterday, as I was saying goodbye to my buddy and his new wife, I asked him to check his email regularly. The news I received on Friday from my Darden account manager was not encouraging. Then earlier today, a fellow applicant on Darden's wait list reported on Business Week Online that he got an email from his account manager saying there's a high probability wait listed candidates will not be considered.
I have reached the point where I am ready to emotionally "throw in the towel" and accept UNC Kenan-Flagler as my destiny for the next two years. While I am still on the wait list, the preponderence of information available suggests that, barring the unreliability of the information (such as account managers purposely misleading applicants so as to dampen our expectations) or the admissions staff having erred in projecting the number of cancellations they will receive in July (which is unlikely), it is very unlikely for me to get off the wait list. Folks, if you like to watch the news on election night, this is the part where Dan Rather announces "CBS News projects the winner of Virginia's 13 electoral is Joe Schmo."
As I have said before, I would much rather go to Darden than Kenan-Flagler. But as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld would say, "you go to the school that accepted you, not the one you wish had accepted you." I have prayed about getting in since July, 2004. Sometime around May, I stopped. I figured if He didn't hear me the first 500 times, praying a couple of more times wasn't going to make a difference. I began to pray instead for peace and guidance. Earlier this evening, I was about to pray for peace and guidance again when I realized something. What I really need the most right now is a change of heart, for God to make Kenan-Flagler my top choice over Darden.
It's hard to explain in words how significant this revelation is. A big part of Christianity is about allowing Christ to change your heart, and I asked him to do this seven yearsago one night at the Tree House. Yet most of the stuff I have prayed for as a Christian involve what I want, what I would like to see happen, and to ask for peace in the event I don't get it. I cannot remember one time I actually asked (I probably have, I just don't remember) for my heart to be changed in the event I don't get something. This has certainly made me think more about the things I will pray for in the future.
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I used to get really wired waiting to hear about promotions that wouldn't come, no matter how hard I prayed. It wasn't that God wasn't listening, it was that I was expecting the wrong outcome. Sometimes what we want isn't what God wants and no matter how hard we push for it, God knows better. A few years ago I finally got tired of getting so upset. I finally told God what was in my heart (as if he didn't know already, right?), why it was so, and then turned it all over to him. As you say, he heard you the first time. If it suits God's purpose, He will make it happen. If it doesn't suit God's purpose, He will do what is best. Often, something else that does suit God's plan will happen instead.
What I have come to realize is that all that obssession over what I want is useless. There are lots of things I want but I feel a lot better about the outcome if I just trust God to do the right thing. "Not my will, Father, but thy will be done." I'm so at peace now that I turn things over to Him.
That doesn't mean that we can't pursue our interests, try to make them happen in our interactions with others. It just means not putting so much pressure on ourselves and on God for what isn't meant to be.
God has always been there for me when I really needed something. Sometimes it just takes the patience to see it when it gets here instead of missing it because we were expecting something else.
God bless you!
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